Heat
by Mrs. Twelvetrees
Summary: Bottom. Eddie and Richie are off to the beach with Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun.


DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Bottom series belong to Adrian Edmondson andRik Mayall. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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**BOTTOM **

Series 4, Episode 1: HEAT

_(The kitchen of Richie and Eddie's flat; The curtains to the lounge are drawn; RICHIE enters, looking very optimistic.)_

RICHIE

Hahhh! Another great day! Just look at that! The sun is shining brightly, the birds are chirping… Makes me feel like having a nice, big breakfast! Better make some for Eddie while I'm at it!

_(RICHIE picks up a frying pan with some rather mouldy leftovers in it and starts squirting oil and bleach into it, etc. EDDIE enters through the curtains, looking sleepy.)_

EDDIE

_(covering his eyes with his hands)_ Oh, bollocks!

RICHIE

_(pouring eggs and greenish milk into the pan)_ Goodmorning, Edward!

EDDIE

Goodmorning! I came home from the pub a few hours ago and decided to have a nice lie-in, but before I could close my eyes, those bollocky birds started to twitter! Well, they won't be twittering much longer, mate…

_(EDDIE pulls a large rifle from his pants and points it at the birds outside.)_

RICHIE

No, Eddie! No, no, no! You can't shoot at those poor little birds! Remember! #All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and sma(…)#

_(EDDIE has jammed his gun up RICHIE's nose.)_

RICHIE

_(panicking slightly)_ Right, well done, Eddie. That's right, let those birds go free now… Could you get this gun out of my nose, d'you think?

EDDIE

_(looking much more cheerful)_ Rightey-dokey, young lad, me old mate, old chum, old mucker!

_(EDDIE gives the gun a large jerk, and it is freed from RICHIE's nose with a loud plop. )_

RICHIE

_(rubbing his nose violently)_ Right. Let's get on with breakfast.

EDDIE

What are we having, then?

RICHIE

Well, there's not much left, I'm afraid. Still, _nil desperandum_! I still have a couple of those sprouts mexicaine left!

EDDIE

What, you mean the ones that made Spudgun set the couch on fire last Christmas?

RICHIE

_(emptying a rather large bowl of sprouts mexicaine into the frying pan)_ The very same.

EDDIE

Are you sure that is a good idea, Richie?

RICHIE

Good thinking, Eddie, but I had thought of that myself. So, I decided to put them into an omelette, you know, to soften the blow.

EDDIE

Very wise.

_(The frying pan with sprouts mexicaine explodes and a large flame appears over it.)_

RICHIE

Eddie! Quickly! Your emergency pint!

EDDIE

Good idea, old mate! _(takes his emergency pint out of his jacket pocket and quickly drinks it all)_

RICHIE

No, Eddie, I meant: use it to put the fire out!

EDDIE

Use my pint to put the fire out!

RICHIE

Oh, never mind, it's gone now! Oh, what are we going to do? Quickly, pass some water!

EDDIE

Right, Richie, whatever you say!

_(EDDIE turns his back to the camera, undoes his pants and puts the fire out. RICHIE looks confused.)_

EDDIE

_(contently)_ Well, that's that then! Seems like that pint came in handy after all!

RICHIE

Yes, well…you'd better sit down, breakfast is served!

EDDIE

Great! I'm starving!

_(EDDIE sits down at the table, RICHIE takes the frying pan, scoops the soggy, blackened sprouts mexicaine onto their plates, and sits down as well.)_

RICHIE

Right, Eddie, _bon appetit_ then, eh?

_(Someone knocks on the door.)_

RICHIE

Oh, God! Just as we are sitting down to have a nice quiet meal! They never leave us alone, do they? Well, that's the problem when you're so popular!

EDDIE

I'll get the door.

_(EDDIE leaves.)_

RICHIE

Always when you're trying to have a minute to yourself with your encyclopedia or a nice work of literature…or a romance novel…or just a sticky second-hand copy of Razzle for that matter… Anyway, there they come, all these important people, knocking on your door…

_(EDDIE enters.)_

EDDIE

It's Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun.

_(DAVE Hedgehog and SPUDGUN enter, wearing swimming trunks and carrying beachballs and plastic buckets.)_

RICHIE

Oh, God… Yes, what is it?

SPUDGUN

We came to ask you whether you'd like to come to the beach with us.

DAVE

Because it's such nice weather.

RICHIE

Do you think we are prepared to leave our wonderful gourmet breakfast to go to the beach with a pair of insignificant losers like you?

EDDIE

_(suddenly also in his swimming trunks, wearing a snorkle, and holding a shrimping net and a large coolbox)_ Because we are!

RICHIE

No we're not! Eddie! Where's your pride?

EDDIE

_(looking down at his trunks)_ Oh, it'll come around in a few minutes, it's just that an ice cube accidentally slipped down my trunks while packing.

RICHIE

Right. Erm, well…I know you'll all be very disappointed, but…I'm not going.

DAVE

Oh, can't be helped. Come on, Eddie, let's go.

_(They all move into the hall, and RICHIE starts to climb the stairs.)_

SPUDGUN

Yeah, let's go!

EDDIE

Alright!

RICHIE

_(going up the stairs)_ Don't worry about me! I'll just have a flick through my encyclopedia, all alone… _(breathes on his right hand and disappears upstairs)_

EDDIE

You do that, mate. Pity you'll miss all those fantastic topless birds, though.

_(RICHIE falls down the stairs with one hand down his pants and a nudie mag in his other hand.)_

SPUDGUN

_stupidly)_ That's not an enclyclopedia.

RICHIE

_(madly waving his left hand about, because the nudie mag is stuck to it)_ Birds, Eddie?

EDDIE

Of course. Why do people go to the beach in the first place?

SPUDGUN

To build sandcastles?

DAVE

To get a nice tan?

EDDIE

No! To see jugs, of course!

RICHIE

_(still waving his hand about)_ That's bloody brilliant, Eddie! I've changed my mind! Let me just get my swimming trunks on! _(looking at his hand)_ Hm, this copy must be more than second-hand! Oh well, I'll just try to soak it off when we get to the sea!

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_To be continued..._


End file.
